How My Life Collapsed And How I Fell Into Nothing-ness?

I was sitting in a dark room in the heart of the always busy capital and I was tormented by emotional agony.

Everything I had ever believed in collapsed.

My life, my job, my career, my relationship - all shattered with an ear-splitting crash.

Bitterness choked my throat and troubling questions emerged at the same time. Why did this have to happen this way? Why does the fate punish me so? I failed during the hard trials and fell into deep water. I could find no point of my life anymore and sunk deep in my self-pity, when a thought conceived: I cannot live like this any longer.

While I was suffering in the deepest hell of self-pity, sorrow and hopelessness, and intensified the raging madness inside me by picturing the script of my own funeral, something unexpected and life-changing happened:

I fell into nothingness.

The fall into nothing-ness

I am nobody and nothing.

I have no past, everything is scorched behind me.

Only memories flash before me, some are faint, others are more vivid. The past is dead and only its phantoms haunt me – its memories. I have no future because I cannot start over again. I can no longer tolerate this consuming stress.

I am a hunted in the game of the life.

I have no past. I have no future. But still:

I am now.

I exist.

I suddenly realized. I DO exist!

Pause.

Deep silence.

Peace and calmness takes over me..

I took a look around and experienced everything in a different way. I saw the reality as it is, the horrifying pictures created by my mind, the grim thoughts and hopeless fears vanished, just as clouds are washed away by the wind.

I exist. I am.

I was just simply present “here and now”. I was buried in my body and observed myself and the world peacefully. Deep peace and calmness filled me. I was happy, as happy as I had never been before. I was liberated. I got rid of the suffering.

I had no idea who and what I was. But one thing I knew for sure, I do not identified me with my previous life-story. I lived in my body as an unfathomable and not accurately describable, alert, calm, graceful conscience, a ghost-like intelligence and I witnessed existence with curiosity.

Sometimes thoughts formed from nothing and glided into the space of my consciousness.

I took notice of them and then – just as they had appeared – they dissolved into nothing. Peace and happiness filled me, gently, effortlessly but still in an ecstatically thrilling way.

I gazed around. Everything was different. The room changed. What previously may have seemed time-worn and shabby now appeared as an ever-changing and vivid play of forms and shades. All this time, so many interesting forms and shades had been hiding in the room and I failed to notice them all along. A small flower on top of my desk: what a spectacular living wonder! The exquisite stem, the varied shapes of the leaves and the magnificence of the petals – while this little “thing” was just as alive as I was. I could not find any object boring. I discovered something beautiful, unique, unparalleled in everything – and during these observations an extraordinary joy filled me:

I exist! I love this existence! Everything is so beautiful, unmatched and unique.

I could feel all the pulsating energy in me, the flow of blood, the gentle tingling of my skin, while I could observe, looking through my eyes, the colorful, loud, and fragrant, wonderful world surrounding me.

The night arrived.

The room became dimmed, while snowflakes performed their elegant dance outside through the window. I was awake, happy and full of adventurousness: I wanted to explore the outside world again - repeatedly.

I passed a phone box on the street, next to which layed an old, bearded homeless man covered in rags. He stepped out and begged for some spare change. I looked at him and -behind his eyes, shining with life- I saw the same, what I was: a feeling-thinking sensible human spirit.

The same consciousness as mine looked through his eyes.

He was also another human form of life. I reached into my pocket and gave him the small amount that was in there. “Happy Holidays!” I said with a shaking voice. I could not resist the surfacing urge: I embraced him explicitly:

“Happy, peaceful existence, my dear human fellow!”

*

I was exploring the world again excitedly for days. My senses worked crystal clear and I wondered at the unique beauty of forms. It was as if I was born again and just as a small child, I took my world into my possession again. So many sounds and colors and shapes and tastes awaited me! So many realizations, coming from the examination of the emerging thoughts. I was surprised by the diversity, many shades and intensity of the emotions.

After a while the excitement of the discoveries lessened a bit and the thoughts returned more often, until sometimes I found myself stunned by thoughts again, brought down and taken away by a few unpleasant feelings.

Later I had the opportunity of moving to the countryside for a while with my wife and child, to a place I would have earlier said is “beyond civilization”. I spent a lot of time finding methods with which it was possible to return to the state of clear consciousness.

In my free time I practiced living together with nature: I planted trees, experimented with chemical-free bio-vegetable cultivating, patched the house with loam – I enjoyed the delights of a simple, natural life. Since earlier I was quite an “urbanized, clumsy office worker” it was most satisfying to experience how many problems I could solve, for which I would have called for professional help before – when I do it with full attention, concentrating on the process of the work itself, rather than the result, as I had done earlier.

Not long later, driven by an inner inspiration, I created my website, on which I published my articles, then I wrote the books, executed the DTP and prepared them for press. This is how I became – as a role, almost unnoticeable – a writer.

As it turned out: everything was given for this. I am an enthusiast of researching consciousness; I am interested in the development of information technology, website development, book editing and publishing. I have written this for you to understand:

If you have a strong inner inspiration to make something real, you will notice that everything is given for it.

Not only will you find every condition optimal, but also everything will support you to make your inspiration come true!

My previous books were written during the period of exhilarated discoveries, so their atmosphere and style may seem esoteric, mystical – they were inspired in this form.

   

After this I spent more time with studying awakened consciousness, then I felt an urge to give my readers a practical handbook. In this, I present guidelines on how to reach, maintain and deepen awakened consciousness.

You are now reading this practical handbook, dear Reader!

Read it slowly and after a few sentences or parts, let the contents reach your conscience. Let them to reach the place where I intended to end up: your consciousness.

Jump into your real Self and enjoy your journey! 

(Excerpt from the book "Mindfulness Meditation - Journey into Consciousness" by Ervin K. Kery)