Who or what is afraid in us?
According to a story, a disciple said to his
master:
“Master, I really crave for enlightenment. I
want to reach it here and now.”
The master grabbed the disciple’s neck without
saying any words, he dragged him to a nearby barrel filled with water and
pushed the disciple’s head into it. And the master only pulled the disciple’s
head out of the water when he started fighting for his life. The master let him
soothe his lungs with vitalizing air. And then he said:
“When your craving for enlightenment is as
strong as your need for air was, you will reach it.”
This story
may seem quite harsh and violent, but like all Zen stories, this one also
points something out. Something that could not be shown in any other way, only
in such an aggressive style.
It shows that we can only be really free if we thoroughly
wish to reach freedom.
Face your
fears, because if you discover their true nature, they vanish without a trace.
They may still appear as a passing emotion, but as soon as you realize that the
troublemaker has arrived, it goes away… turns into nothing. If you set your
sights on your inner demons, you discover that they are nothing more than
phantoms.
When you take
some time for yourself, you should definitely try this:
Observe yourself and search for what you
really are afraid of.
Find a
quiet, calm place, where no one can bother you. It is important to be alone, to
let off all the pressure built up during the day, to take off the tiring masks
and look behind them, to find your true self hiding beneath. It may be
distracting for you, when they come up with “important” questions, when you are
fighting the demons of your fears and licking your bleeding wounds. (Later on
it turns out – of course – that the demons are not real.)
Sit down
comfortably and relax. And when you are comfortable enough, deepen your
spiritual-physical relaxation by raising your inner awareness and attention.
Take a few
deep breaths while you are completely focusing on exhaling and inhaling.
Feel how
the air easily, smoothly flows through your nostrils and then after a short
while it flows out. Do not influence your breathing; just try to examine it,
how effortlessly it is happening.
When you
are relaxed and calm enough and you can direct your attention inwards, to your
emotions and thoughts, then ask yourself the following questions:
What am I afraid of?
And
focus inwards..
If your
attention wanders off, calmly ask the question again: What am I afraid of? And
wait, patiently, alertly focusing inwards for the answer.
After a
while the first thoughts show up: “Because I am oppressed. Because I do not dare
to evolve myself. Because others are unfair with me. Because I am not strong
enough. Because… Because… Because…”
It is unbelievable how many depressing thoughts start swirling in our heads.
The inner voice begins to blabber and fills the mind with millions of negative
thoughts. We made some thoughts so much our own, we believe their absolute
truth so much, that the emotions connecting to them appear immediately. “I cannot
tolerate this unfairness. There is a lump in my throat. I cannot put up with what happened to me. I even have digestive problems. My head feels like it is going to explode from the problems (but in fact, from
the thoughts). And I also have a headache. I cannot bear the weight of these troubles. Oh… and my back also hurts like
hell.”
And if you
get this far, you are brave. You faced your fears.
But maybe
you did not. Maybe you gave up this experience after the first unpleasant
thought – because their appearance is uncomfortable, even unbearable. But it is
all right.
It is also
possible that you did not get yourself to start the experiment, but you read on
pursued by your curiosity. Do not worry; this is also perfectly all right.
Allow
yourself any reactions that may emerge. The inwards facing, self-examining
state of mind works when you let everything come to surface.
Most people spend their entire lives in their
heads, where a tyrannical
voice (what we mistakenly call self) is always dissatisfied, grumpy, needy,
fierce or maybe broken, self-pitying. We hear this voice inside and we think that
this voice is us, and we think the thoughts said by this voice.
The great recognitions
Who thinks these thoughts?
“I do” –
you could say.
And who is
that “I”?
Reach behind the thoughts, find who is saying and thinking these
thoughts. Have you found somebody in yourself who thinks your thoughts?
As you
observe the countless thoughts, your suspicion begins to grow:
It is
not really you, who thinks the thoughts; you are only their quiet, peaceful observer.
The thoughts just simply happen and you know about them.
The
thoughts emerge from Nothing, waltz into the middle of your attention, make you
believe that they are indeed very important, and then – just as they came –
they disappear. A thought disappeared and another takes its place from Nothing,
and this thought is connected to the previous one by spontaneous association. Newer
and newer thoughts sweep through your mind. They come, waltz in and dissolve.
If you are not careful, they may occupy your full attention – you fall into the
whirlpool of thoughts.
Make it
your habit to observe your thoughts! It can happen that some thoughts carry you
away, but do not worry: just grab this roaming thought:
“Hey,
here you are. You are just a thought.”
And as soon as you grab this thought you realize that you are conscious again.
You step out from the trap of the thought-stream and you are a quiet observer
again.
You
are the observer of your thoughts.
You could
say that they are “your thoughts”, because they appear in your consciousness,
but they are short-lived, fluttering phenomena, babbling energy-patterns, with
nobody behind them.
You are
only an observer.
You let the thoughts appear and go away.
There is no thinking, only observing.
There is no thinking “I”, only an awakened consciousness, in which thoughts
appear and waltz out, just like clouds drift away to clean the sky.
The
thoughts are just energy-patterns, information in the space of your
consciousness. And if you examine them more carefully, you may surprisingly
find that they are not even your thoughts, but imaginations, or complicated
networks of adopted belief-systems.
(Excerpt from the book "Mindfulness Meditation - Journey into Consciousness" by Ervin K. Kery)
